How will your make your narrative piece the best you have ever written?
show me...don't tell me!
Remember the 'Showing not Telling' Database below
http://thebookshelfmuse.blogspot.com/2008/01/introducing-thesaurus-thursdays.html
"Do the best you can until you know better. Then when you know better, do better." Maya Angelou
48 comments:
Hi Mr.Buxton,
For writing we're suppose to do aleast half of our draft right?
Is the word "the" a banned word when in writing?
No, Jacqueline, it isn't. OR at least not yet. But it's really hard not to use 'the' in a writing piece.
mr. buxton, for the narrative if were writing about ourselves are we aloud to add a few flase details to the story?
Mr. buxton is this okay? (it's my opening)
“No, Peter, quit pulling my arms. And Henry, stop shoving me! I’m not going on the ride!” I cried. Elias, Toni, and Raymond all stared. “It’s not even scary,” Toni said. But she’d never been on it. “How would you know?” I asked. “You’ve never been on it.” She switched off her mouth. I knew everyone else wanted to go on it, so I took what I thought was going to be my last look at the ride, High Anxiety. Every one stared at me with hope. “No,” I said, and I started to walk away. I wasn’t planning on riding that, but somehow, some way, I did.
Is "the" a pronoun, i dont think so.
Sabine, remember that we aren't supposed to have a load of dialoge.
But its better than saying, no no no.
Good work Sabine but maybe you have a bit too much diague show not tell
OPENING for my piece, tell me any questions, comments, concerns, or suggestions if you can, please!
75,000 roaring human beings glued to their seats, that sit on 50,00 rows of pure dry concrete. Up, up, up, the seats look like they go on forever. “Pure comfort” as I would call it.
Earlier, it was a boring, hot summer day outside, and inside playing Call Of Duty on XBOX. Now, couldn’t be better. My mother, Jill, drove 70 miles per hour into Minneapolis to shop, like all women would seriously die for. She drove by the stupendous Target Field. (In other words, the Minnesota Twins huge baseball stadium). Just that drive caused a series of events. A quick call, a gather of baseball snacks, t-shirts, and we were off, to Target Field. About a long seeming 45 minutes later, a line of cars stood before our excited souls, making us wait, and wait, and wait… Today the Twins were awaiting the Chicago Whitesoxs, so this, will be amazing. Even more excited we walked from the 10 level parking lot to the courtyard outside, filled with men and women, boys and girls chattering away, getting ready for the great game.
Whoa, alex. dont you think thats a bit too long? remember, mr buxton is only allowing us to use 2 pages at the most, and thats just one paragraph out of 5. otherwise, great job. :D
you do know youu onllly haave 2 paagesss, right?
Ok I see to shortening it, thanks. Anything else?
What size does the writing have to be?
how do you change the spacing?
Alex a pronoun is like he, she, it, they
Name: Anisha Nilakantan Date: September 26-31, 2011
Battlestar Galactica: Cylon
Chills sled down my spine as the metal gates opened. AS I dashed to my seat, I tried to rid my mind of the eerie, rough walls with intestine-looking objects slipping in and out. Plopping down into a red, V-like seat, a glimpse of my BFF catches my eye. Travelling to an old home must make her heart crave, but one could never tell that was what she was feeling. Now, here she was, in Battlestar Galactica: Cylon, on her very first time to Singapore’s Universal Studios. Achieving that, though, was nothing to what I twisted my delicate face into a hard face for. Loops had never been a favourite of mine (actually, I wouldn’t know), yet I was in this very seat, on this this very ride, right now.
Gazing straight ahead, twists and turns of red and blue tracks are stabilized, forcing a pit in my stomach. As if Krishna, my best friend who lives in Tokyo, was telepathic, she halts to a stop with bouncing.
“ It’s all right. Look, here I am, without ever seeing this part of the world. You’ll be fine.”
The soothing sound of her voice puts a slower beat to my heart. Grinning, I look down the 3 seats to my left. 3 seats! There was no on to my right! Although Krishna had helped me, my heart sprinted. My eyes frantically search, for what I don’t know, and finally rest upon the blue track, my track, of the duo roller-coaster.
Facing me, an evil, fearsome loop feeds on the popping eyes of the 10 year old girl it sees. As I started to hyperventilate, my hands leaped from my lap and landed on my safety buckle. Scrunching my eyes like I was chlorine was flowing into them,
this is part of my story. i am changing the title and have not finished the last sentence.
P.S. when i upload this again, i will only upload the part that is not here.
yes -sabine
better- but you need to drop your last couple of lines and exchange for more description.
REMEMBER - when using dialogue... you need a new paragraph for each new speaker... Definitely a big improvement
mr buxton i am doing size 11 because on my screen 12 looks really big. I have a 27 inch mac, with a windows installment.
Alex - don't start with numbers
sentence fluency needs work..
you are jumping around too much in the beginning and not clearly focusing on a seed...
you wouldn't ever refer to your mother as jill (the techniques need t be used inthe right context)
'everyone' used too often. you make many general statements and not enough precise references e.g.
instead of 'earlier' yur write 'that afternoon'
last sentennce - too much happening for one sentence!
It definitely has POTENTIAL
That is good Anisha. YOu spread your vocab. Your story is fluent. The piece is very detailed.
the text has to be size 12 comic sans. And, unless you have an apple computer, I don't know how to get 1.5 spacing.
Great work Sabine! But don't use TOO MUCH DIALOGUE.
nakul, what vocab?
thanks maya, for giving me the tip on not using BFF alot. That really improved my writing. I will take note of that in the future. And you said you can't write! :-P
Anisha in the sentence, Scrunching my eyes like I was chorine was flowing into them, you should take out " I was". It just doesn't make sense.
Anisha - ASSUME NOTHING
what is BFF (you must always assume that your readers do not know what you are talking about.)
Once you mention her - you then need to name her.
Once you introduce B.G. You cannot assume that everybody 'knows' that it is a rollarcoaster. You need to explain this to your readers
below - you are writing like a speaker not a writer...this is too conversational...You need to construct sentences not a series of comma phrases
"Although Krishna had helped me, my heart sprinted. My eyes frantically search, for what I don’t know, and finally rest upon the blue track, my track, of the duo roller-coaster.
Facing me, an evil, fearsome loop feeds on the popping eyes of the 10 year old girl it sees."
Finally, you work is overloaded with too many one syllable words.
you have many strong lines too. - question is!!! can you adapt enough of the weaker ones to show both strong word choice and advanced sentence fluency? If it was easy... it would be a waste of time :)
I liked how you said, on this very seat, on this very ride. Also, the loop feeding thing is very strong and very hooky.
How is this:
Baseball On a Hot Summer Day
Roaring human beings glued to their seats that sit on rows of pure dry concrete. Up, up, up, the seats look like they go on forever. “Pure comfort” as I would call it.
That afternoon,, it was a boring, hot summer day outside, and inside playing Call Of Duty on XBOX. Now, couldn’t be better. My mother, drove 70 MPH into Minneapolis to shop, like all women would seriously die for. She drove by the stupendous, Target Field. (In other words, the Minnesota Twins huge baseball stadium). Just that drive caused a series of events. A quick call, a gather of baseball snacks, t-shirts, and we were off, to Target Field. About a long seeming 45 minutes later, a line of cars stood before our excited souls, making us wait, and wait, and wait… Today the Twins were playing the Chicago White Soxs, so this, will be amazing. Even more excited, the eight of us walked from the 10 level parking lot to the courtyard outside, filled with both genders chattering away, getting ready for the great game. Through my gray sunglasses, I see a bronze statue of Kirby Pucket. My lips widen. Kirby is the best and most famous Twins player EVER! He was with the Twins when they won the World Series in 1991.
Your welcome for the tip. And thanks for keeping me company after school. It was really kind of you.
Mr Buxton, thank you for showing the class the online thesaurus, it helped my writing.
mr. buxton, about what you said aobut me writing like a speaker, not a writer, what do you mean? It is not very clear to me...
Alex, your title is to specific
mr buxton i think i am starting to get the less is more thing, based on this writing.
1) I have taken into account how much space i have
2) i have cut down on some details
3) I have mostly taken the important bits only, and have not used alot of clutter.
Do you think this would be a good title? "Fright here, Fright there, Fright Everywhere!" or maybe just the here, there and everywhere?
Doesn't that title sound a little kiddy to you, Anisha, FUN FUN FUN!
Here is the new title: A Day of Good American Life
My draft was 1.3 pages
To answer your question Aniha....
"hmmm....."
A good one will come to you after we do tomorrow's closing session on effective endings...
alex- you really should change good form your title.
i am a kid! but yes, it does. if a better one comes to me, i would DEFINITLY change it.
What Vocab??????
oh sorry that was meant for alex. alex- what vocab?
oh okay. Maya got topic for CE. How the Sudan country split in 2 and how South Sudan and North Sudan was made.
Hey Mr.Buxton do you know the saying you told us it started like this I think "They came for the Jews but I'm not Jewish so I didn't help" I wanna tell my mom Thanks. -Nakul the Cool
Sabine you still had a 1 word dialogue. 'No,' I was going to etc.
Sabine you still had a 1 word dialogue. 'No,' I was going to etc.
Alex I have to agree with everyone else it is an amazing piece but maybe too long. Sabine you started with a few pronouns. Instead of I stared say my eyes stared. You'll get more credit for that.
But don't make my mistake. DON'T USE UNNECSARY
unnecessary adjectives.
By the way Mr.Buxton, BFF stands for Best Friends Forever.
Nakul Mr.Buxton knows what BFF means, he just wanted her to be more specific with her words. And is the splitting of Sudan CURRENT. Because there is a reason why it's called CURRENT events. Just asking.
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