Look at these 'exemplary' supporting paragraphs. How does yours compare? - Notice the depth of research these student have?
By Maja
Green; Voice
Red= Supporting idea relating to claim
Orange= Research reference
Blue= Figurative language
Pink= Transitional Phrases
Black= Absolute phrases
A heavy weight to lift
Here’s Edison. Edison is 17 and waiting outside the school clinic to have his blood tested for steroid use. Eddi wants to be part of the school’s swim team. Biting his nails, Edison is lead into a small white room where he is placed on a paper covered stool. Seconds later a smiley nurse comes flying into the hospital cell where she sings in a bit too cordial voice; “Welcome Eddi! Let the test begin.” Needles are flicked, tears are wept. Eddi is tested positive. Poor Eddi some might say.- He didn’t know better! But who are we kidding? Based on a study done in 2013 MAYO clinic concludes that 1 in 20 teens between the ages 12-19 have been tested positive for use of Anabolic Steroids. “Not only are steroids illegal, but they are also extremely dangerous for the young teens that are getting involved.” Says Dr. Green staff at President's Council Clinic in Philadelphia. Infact taking these drugs can result in a fine of up to 1000US$ for teens convicting the law of personal drug use, their minds blindly oblivious of the consequences. But really though! It’s astounding what some of these kids are avidly willing to do to get a so called ‘ideal body’. Like slaves, the teens of the 2000’s work tirelessly to get a perfect form. “The ‘ideal body’ is very unhealthy and requires being severely underweight. However this is not what the teens are seeing when they go surfing online.” Says Dr. James Lock a professor at Stanford and co-author of “How to help your teen with their wavering body image” Additionally, some of the fearsome drugs these kids are taking can lead to many more menacing things- Creatine, Anabolic Steroids, Steroid Precursors. All of which are types of performance enhancing drugs and all of which are very dangerous, their outrageous affects taking the lives of teens worldwide. Not to mention the vicious hazards.-Based on a study done at President's Council Clinic on steroid users between the ages of 15-19 shows steady signs of blood clotting problems, high blood pressure, high cholesterol, liver problems, mood swings and (in both genders), notable failure and development of reproductive systems among its patients. Doctors worldwide are asking themselves why these teens are going to such outrageous limits that their methods are becoming lethal to achieve ‘the perfect body’. Dr. Jen, doctor at the MAYO clinic children and teen section believes the following; “Puberty insecurities and peer pressure are the 2 main reasons teens are being lured into taking steroids.” And that sure is true! Infact an astounding 56.8% of teens say they are eagerly motivated by either being unfairly pressured by peers to live up to the harsh criteria at school or media. While the remaining disturbing 43.2% say that the hot hard pressure comes from teachers or coaches to make the school team. This is based on a study done by British Council For Teens Health Statistics. In conclusion- all in all steroids lead to nothing but bad, relating back to Eddie. The pressure can be dangerous for teens as the nurse explains to him, seeing nothing but what others want them too. The best way parents and schools can help avoid teens trying to take performance enhancing drugs to improve their body image, is promoting at least 1-2 hour exercise for their kids/students, to make them look and feel fit nd healthy.“Overdose can take you to the hospital and can maybe even lead to a hideous death! If you want a nice body Eddie, you have to do at least 1-2 hours of cardiovascular exercises daily.” With those words she leaves him behind on the clinic table, forcing him think of his possibly lethal mistake.
BY GABBY
green=absolute phrases
red=relate to claim
blue=research reference
orange=transitional phrases
purple=figurative language
pink=voice
Body image. Does this term seem familiar? Contemporary teens may not know the whole meaning but all of us would have some understanding. Did you ever think that body image and parents can go together really well? Well, parents are usually known in life to talk about making good decisions and teaching how to be a good person in the community. Picture this: Sarah, a modern day teen getting up for a school morning, and does her daily morning routine. By the time she gets downstairs to the kitchen, the first thing her mom does is to criticise what she is wearing. “Hey Sarah, don’t you look a little weird and too grown up for that look?” Her shoulders slump down, she starts to slowly walk up the stairs back to her room to change. Isn’t this crazy? But now, a nerve racking study done by Dr. Aaron Krasner, a practicing psychologist at Yale School of Management, shows that the mother's’ attitude is the third highest and most influential on their child. Their minds brainwashed by parental influence, “80% of 10 year old girls have already started to put their body image as top priority because of parental influence,” Robert Glatter MD says. Kids are not meant to care about their body image at such a young age, they are meant to live the life the want to have. Nothing surprising yet? Horrifyingly, 12% of innocent teenage boys are using unproven and untested supplements and steroids. This is also important because if the kid doesn’t know what they are putting inside their body, they won’t have an average life span like the other kids who don’t inject steroids into their body. Seriously, modern day teens don’t want to end up like the other boys who have been using harmful chemicals. In the future, teens who have been using the unproven steroids and untested supplements will be easy targets for diseases Not having or having very little negative parental influence will improve teens mindset about their body image.
